The Parenting Theory Test

I failed my theory test by one question the other day. The fact that it was one question is what annoys me most about it, but I’m confident that next time, when I haven’t been moving house for the previous week while learning to cope with a five month old practicing drop-and-rolls constantly, I’ll manage it.The theory test was filled with questions that for some of them, had nonsense answers – the obvious ones, I grant you – Option D for one question about what to do when an elderly person is crossing the road when the light turned green suggested to shout at them to move along and keep driving. It was also filled with questions that had multiple answers, i.e. the real law abiding answer, and the how everyone does it answer. It got me thinking; what if there had to be a parenting theory test?

A Parenting Theory Test

Now, the circumstances wouldn’t be ideal. I don’t fancy sitting an exam while heavy, hormonal and craving bacon and cream cheese bagels any more than the rest of you. It’d be a test of all that pointless knowledge you build up by reading the million parenting and pregnancy books during pregnancy. That’s not to mention all of the googled facts which leave you lying awake terrified of a 17lb baby with three heads at night time. A preparation, as such, for what faced you.

So what are some of the potential questions I can think of?

  • List equipment required for a nappy change
  • Name that breastfeeding hold
  • Your kid has just done a dark green poo. He ate banana earlier. What is the correct response?
  • How do you work a stretchy wrap?
  • What is considered a “full nights sleep” with a four month old?

I can see it being an assist to knowing what to do before kid comes along – albeit a terrifying one.

That said, there are some of them that the answers would be questionable to: for example, the socially acceptable answer to “How to react when strange old women start rubbing your babies cheek/your baby bump” of “Smile and agree when they tell you your baby is gorgeous” is just slightly different from the answer you feel like doing “Screaming at them to get their hands off because you don’t know them and thats inappropriate!”. Similarly, the socially acceptable answer to “How to react when people are tutting at your tantrum throwing toddler” is probably different from “Give them a piece of your mind”. I’m not entirely sure I wouldn’t offer attempt marks for those answers.

I’m not too sure I would have passed while pregnant to be honest. The books don’t contain half the things they need to, and scaremonger the other half. Maybe some stuff just has to be learned on the job….

How would you have done in a Parenting Theory Test? Did you know much beforehand or did you go in blind? Let me know in the comments below, or over on Facebook!

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Things I’ve learned on the job during my first year of motherhood (and then in the year after that)

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A Parenting Theory Test
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